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“I’ll be at the bar waiting to set up for a show, and all of us will be sitting there on Tinder together,” says Virginia.
But even if the app changed the way we meet, the social conventions that stigmatize women who make the first move may take longer to change.
Klinenberg’s research shows that 80 years ago, people in North American cities overwhelmingly e block. “The new technology gives us the ability to have mujeres calientes Chino relationships all around the world, and different kinds of relationships.”
People are marrying later in life, and because women are more educated and self-sufficient, the very nature of why we marry has changed. “People used to seek out what we called the ‘good enough’ marriage, someone who was stable, and reliable and trustworthy, and who would be a good person to have a family with. If you knew their parents and they knew yours, that was a plus. If there was romantic passion, that was great, but it wasn’t always necessary.”
“In 1967,” said Klinenberg, “the great majority of women in the U.S. said they would marry someone they weren’t romantically in love with.”
It is this change that has altered what it means to date. “We are looking for the soulmate marriage. We are after the perfect person, and we hope our marriage fills an enormous number of needs for us, from intimacy and romance to passion, spontaneity, familiarity, co-parenting, a spiritual connection, intellectual connection. We ask for an enormous amount from our partners, and we are willing to look for a long, long time.”
“Tinder and Grindr have made online dating a much more social experience,” says Klinenberg, “much less sad and lonely.” The downside is that you get less information about people. “It’s a little like walking into a bar and walking up to people you are attracted to and walking away from those you aren’t.”
Finding a soulmate, however, is about more than just attraction. “To find a soulmate you need to have a second and third and fourth interaction. You have to get beneath the skin.”
The downside to any online dating platform is what Klinenberg calls “selection paralysis.” Too many choices. (Or, in webspeak, FOMO – fear of missing out on others.) “When people have too many choices, they tend to have more problems. It’s hard to make a choice, it’s hard to figure out what is the best option, and after making a choice they wonder about all the ones they turned away from.”
Klinenberg cites the well-known grocery store example – when there are 30 flavours of jam, consumers are less likely to buy even one. When there are only six, they can more easily make a choice.
“We talked to a lot of women who said they would like to make the first move online, but they feared that would make them look desperate and unattractive and that men would be less likely to go out with them if they reached out first.”
Silvia Bartolic, a UBC sociology instructor said the socialization of men and women has not caught up with technology. “In general, women are socialized to be pursued and men are socialized to be the pursuers,” said Bartolic. “Those are the social norms we are taught and perpetuate. The online forum or presence doesn’t change the norm.”
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